Body Shaming and Dressing for your Body Type

Trigger Warning!

(This post will contain my personal experiences with unhealthy eating habits and related issues)

I have been through a lot in the weight-department in general, and lately I've been through a small personal crisis that prompted me to write this post. 

I'm a little bit better now, though, as small victories are usually enough to get me to snap out of it.

Since I first got into this fashion there has been a monster hiding under every Lolita's bed. One that frequently sticks out it's ugly head and grins at us from meanspirited secrets, 4Chan and through fights in online communities: Body shaming. The dreaded "Fatty-chan". 

I've heard claims that body shaming is even harsher in the Gyaru community, but that doesn't take away from my observations that I think Lolita is particularly prone to being sensitive to the topic of body weight, probably because you have to be of a certain size to be able to fit into the majority of readily-made Lolita pieces, from blouses to skirts. Even socks! (or else you stretch the print and it looks.. wonky)

As secrets also show, many Lolitas feel a pressure because of this. A pressure to lose weight to be able to fit into the dresses. They feel bad about the way they look, they fear that people will look down upon them for being on the bigger side of the scale.
I know that there are girls who have a tough time because of being underweight too, but from my observations they are generally envied, not shunned because of their weight.

I have felt the pressure of mean, weight-related secrets on my own body, so I know how it feels. 

Of course I am against body shaming of any kind, as I am of the opinon that people should generally mind their own business when it comes to other people's looks, but I find that Lolita is a great motivator when it comes to losing weight!

I myself was overweight and unhappy for many years. Not just unhappy with the way I looked as an overweight person, but also unhappy with how hindered I felt as a side-effect of this. I couldn't run with my classmates in gym classes, I fell behind when biking into town with my friends, and it was hard! Lolitas was part of what finally motivated me to get up from the couch, eat healthy and do something about it! I lost a bunch of weight and was finally happy with myself.
Therefore I give Lolita an A+ as a motivational factor. The thing is- I got overly motivated, I guess you could say. I got so scared of gaining weight again so I wouldn't be able to fit into anything and in general would not look pretty anymore, that I was too scared to eat much more than an apple for breakfast, one slice of dry bread with nothing on top for lunch, and a tiny portion of vegetables for dinner. It was unhealthy, to say the least, and Lolita could do nothing to save me from what I was doing to myself. 

It was only the support from my family that got me out of it again. 

All of this was probably the result of body shaming. My goal became "becoming thin", not "becoming healthy".
Why would I care so much, if not for the gloryfication of thinness and the shaming Lolitas get for being overweight?

Well, what was my point? Oh, yes!

Lolita can look great on anyone. And I do mean anyone. I already knew that before I lost weight- I had no problem being confident about my looks in Lolita before I lost weight. I thought I looked great in Lolita! I just wanted to be able to fit into brand dresses and not just Taobao made-to-fit.

Size doesn't matter, as the key to looking good in Lolita has nothing to do with size at all.

The key is: Dressing for your body type.

Dressing for your body type as in dressing for what YOU think looks good on your body type.

I am not a fan of the “Do I Look Fat In These Jeans" mentality, as it is all about fitting into a certain “mold”, that is the socially accepted idea of “what looks attractive”.

Your idea of the “ideal body type” should be one that makes you feel good.

If you think that a shirt looks good, even if somebody says it makes your nose look fat, wear it!

 It is a lot more important to feel at ease in your own body. If you’re proud of or cool with a part of your body that other people would tell you to hide, don’t worry about it.

Flaunt it, if that makes you feel confident!

If you do, however, like the commonly accepted hourglass-figure ideal, I have a couple of pointers, and this is just my opinions and general observations. Mind you, some of them might not agree with whatever you’ve read in books on this topic.

1.     Puffed sleeves tend to hide wide shoulders.

I know this is actually quite the opposite of the popular dress-up tips, but I am not of a elfish body type myself, and I find that sleeves with puffy shoulders tend to hide this. After all, you can’t really tell how much is puff and how much is body!

2.     Let the “tight” part of the dress stop at the smallest part of your body.

This way, it will accentuate the smallest part of you, be it below your bust, at your waist or wherever else.

3.     Wear tights!

If you have naturally short legs, or your legs tend to stretch printed socks, wear tights. This also helps if your dress is a tad on the short side.

And this last one is completely unrelated and more a result of a discovery of mine...

4.     Wear bonnets.

Always wear bonnets. They look perfect on anybody.

Remember: You could ignore all of the above! 

Wear whatever you love, and what makes you feel good!

Stay safe, treat yourself well, and forget “BtB”secrets.

Your opinion is the one that rules.

Wank Comms: "Oh No! I Got Posted!"

Original picture from 123rf.com

Opinions are split when it comes to the so-called "Wank Communities" that haunts our fashion. Many people do not like them and try to avoid them, some people thrive on the drama that they create, and some people again use them to get their "drama fix" or to let of some steam.
But what is the point of Wank Communities? Why do they exist?
Let's use two of the more well-known communities as examples.

Behind the Bows

"Behind the Bows", or BTB for short, is a livejournal-based community which purpose is to serve as a place to which people can send in anonymous "secrets" or "confessions" that they are not brave enough to (or just do not want to) discuss with their name attached to it. Sadly, people tend to take advantage of the anonymity and send in fake secrets just for the sake of stirring up drama. BTB is also way too often used as a place for angry Lolitas to humiliate and hurt other Lolitas, which is fairly easy as they can publicly drag other people through the mud and won't have to take responsibility for their words. 

Personally, I like the concept of the community in itself. It could be neatly used as community where Lolitas could anonymously discuss lighter and "heavier" issues that we have in our international community, but the anonymity that attracts people is also what is pulling the concept apart, and has turned it into the drama-machine that it is today. It is simply too hard for the moderators to sort the fake secrets from the real ones, and to me, the personal attacks are wholly unnecessary and doesn't add anything of value to the community. 

I won't say that Behind the Bows is purely bad, though! Some secrets, even the fake ones, do bring up some interesting discussions on all kinds of issues that our community faces! 

The secrets have hidden gold mixed in with all sorts of rotten mush.

Get Off EGL

"Get Off Egl" is another livejournal-based community. It has been around since 2007 and serves as a place for Lolitas to discuss and make fun of the actions of people who come in and disturb the peace of the huge, international EGL community (and occasionally other communities). The topics of discussion can be anyone from scammers on the EGL Comm Sales to newbies who ask too many questions or people who post things that are irrelevant, strange or offensive. While the purpose of this community is not at all "noble", I think Get Off Egl serves an indirect purpose of being a secondary EGL "police". The idea of ending up on this community and getting discussed might make some people think twice about what they post and make them check the "memories" one more time. The tone on Get Off Egl only seems to get really harsh when the "offense" posted is something harsh, for example a scammer. The less hostile tone might be due to the banning of anonymous posting, which in my opinion, is worth it. I have seen people get posted for lesser things, like being a new Lolita with a not-so-perfect first coord, which is definetely a minus to me. Stay classy, girls!

How do you handle it if you end up posted in one of these communities?

First of all: Do not panic and type out something that you will regret. Close the window and complain about the post to a friend or someone else that you're close to, if you feel the need to do so. Get an honest second opinion if someone you know, and is on friendly terms with, is familiar with the situation. Cool down and reflect on the situation. What did you do to get posted? Did you make some kind of mistake that caused someone else to be frustrated or annoyed with you? If you did, you can choose to join the discussion and own up to it. Be the mature person in the conversation and do not let whatever insults they might have slung at you get to you. Do not get into an argument or sink down to their level! 

Why should you take insults from some person on the internet to heart, anyway? Especially if you haven't done anything wrong at all! If someone dislikes your coord and chooses to insult you online, well, you're not the one with the problem. The poster could have chosen to give you some constructive criticism, but chose to try and hurt you and poke fun of you in public instead. That person is not someone you want to make friends with, so their opinion doesn't matter.

You have another alternative to all of the above: 

You can choose to stay away from wank communities all together. Many people do, and getting involved in the drama is not a requirement for being a part of the Lolita community. 

Do whatever makes you comfortable!

Links to the communities mentioned in this post:

Behind the Bows 

Get Off Egl

Wearing Lolita takes Confidence

Original picture is from Flickr

Apart from your outfit, self-confidence is the second most important thing you can have as a lolita. Self-confidence secures a major part of what it to me means to be one: Being happy with yourself. If you do not feel at home and happy in your clothes, then there is really no reason to wear them, is there? But not feeling confident in your lolita clothes is definetely not the same thing as lolita not being right for you, if you love lolita and wish to be a part of this beloved sub-culture. It just means that you let other people's opinions and ideals, or even your own, tear you down.

It is no secret, that people who wear lolita have a slightly different aesthetic than most people. We love fluffy petticoats, bows, frills and lace, and high-collared blouses, even if some of us don't dress up every day and usually blend in with the flocks on the crowded streets and slip under the radar. But on those days when we choose to put on a JSK and tie our Rocking Horse shoes, we stand out! People stare and whisper amongst themselves, and for some lolitas, dealing with this can be just too difficult.

When you decide that something that is so out of the norm is right for you, reactions from other people are to be expected. Hey, wouldn't you react if you saw someone dressed in a pink suit with a bee-hive hairdo and a rainbow colored poodle? I thought so. Reactions in themselves are not a bad thing, and it would be ridiculous of us to expect other people to act like we don't exist and that we don't "look strange". They are gonna stare, they might even compliment you (Isn't that lovely?), and some of them are gonna be rude or even cruel.

With this I don't mean that you should let yourself get harrassed by other people, just because you know you look different. A head-eating bow is not a "Go for it!"-sign for other people to start slinging insults- or what is worse- at you! Harrasment is always wrong, and if possible, should be reported to whatever authority exists wherever you are at that moment, if you are at the mall or a similar place. What I do mean is that you should not let insults or stares get to you so much that it makes you not wanna wear lolita, or that it even affects how you see yourself. And yes sometimes, well, you should just ignore them!

Some people say that you should turn up your headphones so you won't hear the insults or notice the stares. I think that might actually be a good solution for the first couple of times you are out in lolita, so that you will notice that going out in lolita might not harm you at all.. but after that, unless you have a serious anxiety, I think you should keep the headphones in your pocket, hear the comments people make, and see the stares you receive, and instead practice thinking to yourself, that you are not in the wrong for going out in lolita. 
Empower yourself instead of hiding! 
Remember: The people who are insulting you are always in the wrong, and their bad opinion won't hurt you. Think to yourself, Why would you want these people to like you, anyway? They are closed-minded and rude, and not worth your time. Surely you wouldn't wanna make friends with them! You are expressing yourself, not harming anybody, and you are doing what makes you happy. However, if you do feel that you have reason to fear for your safety, maybe because you live in a particularly risky area, always follow your intuition and don't go out in lolita! Your safety will always come before dressing up nice, as sad as it may sound. If you feel that going out would be unsafe, save lolita for your home, or for meet-ups in more safe areas. 

If you are one of those people who feel that you cannot wear lolita because of your size, your skincolor, freckles, tattoos, piercings, et cetera: You can wear whatever lolita-style you like. Size and anything else that is a part of your body, age and piercings included, does not matter. YOU are not against the "Lolita Rules". What makes us lolitas are the way we dress, that we strive to do it well, and it is about our passion for those clothes that we feel perfectly matches our aesthetics and who we are. There are lolitas who claim that a certain skincolor looks better or worse in lolita, or say that unnaturally colored hair is not lolita appropriate, but that does not reflect the fashion as a whole, that only reflects one lolita's personal opinion and sometimes, more often than not, I'd say, it is just a Behind-The-Bows troll-post. Those lolitas will be part of a whole other post I'm gonna make.

Maybe you are the one telling yourself that you are not good enough for lolita? Because you don't look like whoever is the most praised in the community at the moment, or you just feel that you look sub-par. Well, you don't! Everybody is their own person. There is no one like you, and it makes no sense to compare the way you look with the way another person looks! Look up to other people's styles, the way they do their make-up, their attitude, and let yourself inspire, but don't look up to their face, legs or anything else. You are your own worst critic, and you look just the way you are supposed to look. If you do feel that there is something you need to change to make yourself happier, like getting a tattoo or getting in shape, do so because that's who you wanna be and what you want to do, not to look like somebody else, and not because anybody else said that you are not good enough the way you are. Be good at being yourself, for yourself, and don't aspire to become perfect. Aspire to be happy being you.

Practice telling yourself that you are alright. Even write it down in your own words and keep the note in your wallet or on your bag as a charm to cheer yourself up!

Being a confident lolita is looking in your mirror and being able to honestly say: This is who I want to be. and I don't care what anybody else thinks about that. This is how I feel the happiest, and there is nothing wrong with me! 

I can from my heart say, that I support you in finding the confidence to wear lolita! 

So keep the headphones in your pocket, hold your head high, stay safe and 

Rock Your Frills!