Wearing Lolita to School: Lolita Undercover?

Hello, everyone! I hope you're all enjoying your Summer, as long as it lasts. Halloween isn't far away, and with that comes Christmas. As much as I hate rain and snow, I can barely wait for my favorite holidays to arrive!

With the end of Summer, however, also comes the dilemma many Lolitas face at the beginning of a new school year.

Yesterday, a young Lolita in my local community wanted to hear our opinion. She had just begun class at a new school, and her peers were, shall we say, less than openminded to some of her alternative interests. Should she try her luck and continue to wear Lolita every day, in spite of this?

"To Lolita or not to Lolita?" is the question. "Mayhaps", is my answer.

(How come I've never done a post on this topic before?!)

First of all, there are a couple of factors you need to consider, before wearing Lolita to school, and they are not all related to the stares and snickers of your peers. 

For instance, what are you allowed to wear? In some countries, dresscode (apart from basic decency, like covering up your chest and butt) is not a problem at most public schools, but it's a good idea to check, anyway. You don't want to be sent home before your day has even begun, for breaking the rules! Some rules may be vague and could be bent to suit your particular situation, so if you're absolutely set on wearing Lolita anyway, you could print out the rules and plead your case if the need should arise. Just don't make a fuss about it.
If there's no dresscode, you can do whatever you want. Some people think that you should keep your frills at home and wear them on "your own time", as to not distract yourself or your classmates. 

My opinion on this is as my opinion on dresscodes that forbids tanktops for women: People can keep their eyes to themselves. Problem solved. If you're able to wear Lolita and concentrate on learning at the same time, there's no problem.

Now to the main concern of most Lolita ducklings (and maybe even some less confident Lolitas): The approval of your fellow students. Because, let's face it, that is what it comes down to. And that's completely natural! 

Don't read this in a condescending voice, because it's definetely not meant that way.
The want to fit in and make new friends comes easily to most of us, unless you're a born lone wolf, like I am. Society encourages popularity, the "Extroverted Way of Life", and this, in companionship with the way being "Normal" is pushed on everyone, makes for an especially nasty cocktail for people who dress in an alternative way. Being different, and wanting to fit in, rarely go hand in hand.
In some places, better than others.

I was blessed with relatively peaceful high school years. 

Did I fit in? Not really. Did people stare at me in my Lolita finery? Definetely. 

And you should be prepared for stares, just as much as when you go outside. The difference is, that these are people you're gonna see every single day, and you'll maybe even have to interact with them! Some of them may come up with mean-spirited remarks, some of them may compliment you. That varies from school to school, and you know better than I, what you think you can expect. If you have no idea, expect some comments and questions.

So, what do you do? 

You think you might want to wear Lolita to school, and your first day of the new school year is coming up! However, you're unsure of how your classmates will react.
I say, keep it casual. Wear a toned down version of whatever type of Lolita you want to wear, and pay attention to how people respond to you, and how you feel about it. 

The trick is to act completely natural, and I cannot stress this enough. Think and act natural, and really give it a shot. Don't give up immediately, if you really want to wear Lolita to school, in spite of what everybody else thinks. Act exactly as if you were just wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and if people insult you, unless they go up to you and get in your way, pretend that you have no reason to think that you're the one they're yelling about. Don't bring up your outfit in conversation, or talk about how you "Know you're totally Weird!" If you don't make a big deal out of it, other people will have to bring it up, and people tend to be a lot more civil when they have to pick up the courage to say something.
Just, live your life.

Don't let the comments get to you. That was a thing I really put emphasis on, when the girl asked for advice yesterday, and this is also probably the hardest part.
These people do not know you. They're closed minded, mean and/or insecure, and probably have the IQ of a bucket of rocks. That, and they do not have the strength to go against the herd, like you do. Few people really want to be mean, and the ones that do, are not people you really wanna be friends with anyway, are they? Why should their opinion matter to you? They're a waste of your time. You look fabulous, and you're smart enough to concentrate on your education and being a nice person.

In my opinion, you should only do something about it, if it escalates and you feel threatened. In that case, you should get an authority figure involved. Never, ever, put your safety in the line for the sake of wearing Lolita!

 And if you feel like the bullying is really getting you down, keep your frills at home. You're not a failure if you cannot deal with it. You just have your priorities straight. You should feel happy, empowered and comfortable in Lolita. Don't let a band of baboons in a classroom get you down- Your frills are yours. Wear them when you're safe, strong and happy!
You can always keep a little piece of it with you, in your pencilcase or a necklace, as a token. 

That way, you're kind of like a magical girl or princess undercover.

LBC: "Mistakes" You've Made in Lolita and What You've Learned

For this week's installment in the Lolita Blog Carnival we're gonna get personal and a little bit embarrassed about our wee beginnings in the fashion, I think. For the most part.

I think most of us had an embarrassing moment or two when we started out in the fashion. Something we look back on with curled toes, and we just "Can't Believe we would do that!" and "Can't believe I thought that looked good!"
Well, because we hadn't really grasped the fashion yet. We still had yet to train our 'Coord Muscles'.
Personally, I'm really, really happy nobody remembers my first steps into the fashion. The first mistake I made was trying to build a few coords out of what I had in my closet, before I purchased actual Lolita clothing. When I finally got a skirt, I went into real experimentation, and I was a mess of styles. I've tried to find a picture or two, but they're long gone. 

And thank goodness for that..

However, what I think my biggest mistakes have been, were not in dressing myself.
I'm a firm believer in Lolita fashion as a learning process, for people who want to learn. You make mistakes, you learn from them, you evolve. There's no shame in that, as such, no matter how stupid you may've looked in your old outfit pictures.

I think the biggest mistake I've made was trying to convince my family to like and respect my clothing choices. I have a feeling that this is the thing that's biting my tailbone now.

When I first got into Lolita I was still very young, and so I insisted on respect and being taken seriously, and I protested every time I was told by my parents that they wouldn't be seen with me in Lolita fashion, and that when they rolled their eyes at me and said "Do you have to wear that around the house!?" I would get into a discussion with them about how much Lolita means to me, how it is part of who I am and how it is none of their business what I put on my body.
While I've since gotten older, they've slowly grown stricter, more openmouthed with their criticism, and a lot more harsh. I have a feeling that might have root in the way I handled the situation, or at least, I could have prevented it. I honestly do not take in what they say. It just gets tiring, getting insulted every time I meet them and am feeling my best, or put up a new photo from a meet-up on Facebook.

I still agree with what my younger self said, back in the day. If I could do it over, I just wouldn't have made such a big deal about it.

Here's a new piece of advice for young Lolitas who experiences trouble with their parents the way I did. Of course you know your parents best, so if you think taking the fight multiple times about whether or not you should wear the fashion that you love, will work, go ahead.
I think that what I should have done, would be to take the discussion once, calmly, and then when they refused to listen, just stop discussing it. Refuse to talk about it. Just wear the fashion, and then when they criticize, stomp the critique into the ground with a "Whatever." or "That's your opinion", and then let it go. Refuse to fight about it.

I think that might have gotten them to just give up at some point. Because I've responded to their criticism to often, it has given them the idea that I care what they think.
I don't, and that's what I'm trying to show them now.
I just pray that they're gonna get it soon!

What's the biggest mistake you've made in Lolita? Was it about fashion, or was it about the way you've communicated the fashion to the world?

To learn more about what not to do in Lolita fashion and how to handle it, click a link or 10 below!

A Heart's Sound
Sleeping Sweets

Why "Beauty at Any Size" Doesn't Work

Warning! 

(This post might be triggering to some, though I'm writing it with the best, most body positive intentions. I also want to underline, that what I'm writing is not directed at people with any eating disorder or similar issues.)

A couple of days ago, I had a very special moment on Tumblr. Many people who have a Tumblr account know, that it is home to both real and misunderstood feminism, body positivity and young people with bad selfconfidence who hate themselves. It can be both very serious, and a place to waste a serious amount of time when you just want to turn off your brain completely.

Usually, I just use it for the last point, hitting reblog on autopilot. 

I happen to, of course, be following a couple of friends on there, and a couple of days ago, one of them reblogged a post that made me stop. It broke my autopilot.

It was this animation with a bunch of skinny bodies. Thigh gaps and flat tummies and everything, flickering past one by one, and then the text "I need to be like these girls". The post still only had  about 25 notes, but knowing the self confidence issues of Tumblr, this was sure to blow up sooner or later. I'd seen plenty of posts kind of like that, but something about this specific post just seemed a lot more "In your face!" than any of the other ones.
So what do you do? I was a little torn. 

Part of my mind was hindered by what the danish calls the "Jantelov" 
(my dictionary translates it to "The Jante Law", but I'm not sure how well know it is outside of Denmark and Scandinavia)
It's like a mindset- Part of it is "don't think you're capable of making a difference!" and since I grew up with that, my head told me that it would be obnoxious of me to try and make a difference. It would be obnoxious of me to make a lengthy note with my opinion written beneath somebody else's post, telling them why I think it was wrong. Even if I found the post to be harmful, and I knew that post would cause nothing but pain to a lot of people. But why should anybody care what I think? This is none of my business!
Long story short, I jumped at it, and I wrote a lengthy note beneath the post, expressing my opinion.
To my surprise, I had received a message the next morning. Surprising, since I'm not the kind of Tumblr person who gets a lot of messages or replies to my posts.

It turns out the message was from the girl who had made the post in the first place. She told me that my comment on her post had changed her mind. It had inspired her to join a Fitness center, throw out the fastfood and she had bought a new pair of shorts (in a healthy size!) for summer, to motivate herself.This moved me so, so much.
I had managed to make a difference, in a much bigger way than I had hoped for. But I see a lot of "body acceptance" on the internet. 
I see plenty of "curvy girls are beautiful girls" and "beauty at any size" and so on. How did a simple post I made on Tumblr, manage to make a girl who had obviously been powerfully envious at "skinny girls" strive towards becoming not skinny, but healthy?

I've been considering my stance on this issue for a long time, and here's what I think. 
This was also the views that I expressed in that post I wrote.
Let me share the post, for starters. I excuse the swearing.

"No. You need to be like YOU, and to be happy! Not everyone has the physique to look like the women in the pictures, and not everybody should. 

It took me a long time to learn to understand that. Everybody’s “happy and healthy” is different. Yours is sexy, too! If you’re not happy with yourself the way you are, if you want to lose weight, do it! Go for a run if you can, or find some other way to be active, eat healthy, and watch how treating your body right benefits your gorgeous body.

But please promise me that you won’t eat less or hurt yourself. A body in motion needs nutrition to survive. It just needs the right stuff. The good stuff, like lean proteins and salads.

Please, promise me that you’re gonna be good to yourself. If I could’ve told myself the things I’m telling you know, I would’ve spared myself months of hell. Today I’m healthy and happy. I look nothing like the girls in the picture. I’m a little wider, because that’s my bonestructure, but I look fucking gorgeous because I work out. I bike. I do crunches and I eat right. 

Be healthy and happy! The two ingredients to being beautiful!"

I might have been a little emotional when I wrote that, but my points remain.
It's OK to not be satisfied with the way you look. If you're overweight, if you're too thin, it's totally OK to want to change.
The "beauty at any size" phenomenon that is going on right now, is not gonna change how you feel. Not being satisfied with your looks is a matter of being happy with what you see when you look in the mirror, and being told time and time again that what you're feeling when looking at yourself is wrong, is not gonna change that discomfort. That's why it hasn't really had any effect- the people who suffer from dissatisfaction with themselves, do not agree.

What I think is able to erase the pain, though, is being good to yourself. 
What will make you feel better, is the understanding that everybody's body is different, but has the ability to look beautiful, when you've done all that you can to shape it up and polish it!
As an extra treat, the beauty that your body carries will be unique, because no two bodies look the same. You might find that you have beautiful legs, a nice waist or gorgeous curves!

It will be a magical experience, figuring out what brings out the best in you, when what you've got to work with, is in perfect shape, just like it was meant to be!

(I want to point out, as a footnote, that if you're overweight or thin and happy, it's none of my business. Rock it and live your life to the fullest!)

What to keep in mind when joining a Lolita community

Spring and summer is upon us, and as usual, this is the season where online Lolita communities are seeing a huge influx of new Lolitas who want to join in on the fun. Many new Lolitas use these communities to seek assistance from the more experienced members. Sometimes this works out just fine, but more often than not, the "Noob Season" is a season of a little bit of.. frustration for the community. The experienced members sneer at the newbies, and the newbies go off in a huff because of the "elitists".

All of this could easily be avoided. This is not a matter of elitism or stupidity. I think it's more a matter of thoughtlessness, and forgetting that there are actual humanbeings on the other side of the screen, as is way too often the case on the internet. 

So, you may be a new Lolita who want to join EGL, "Daily Lolita Coordinates" or a local community? I suppose you want them all to welcome you and to make friends, or at the very least have a pleasant experience. That means there are a couple of common mistakes you want to avoid.
Here is what you'll have to keep in mind.
But first and foremost, keep in mind that this is meant to help you, not criticize you.

1. The Community is not Google

So you've joined the community and you want to ask for some advice. You assure everyone that you've already done a ton of research, and you think you have. You've read everything about your chosen substyle, how you need a petticoat and a blouse. But where do you get a blouse? Well,
Google it. A simple google search for "white Lolita blouse" brought up "My-Lolita-Dress", a trusted reseller, as the third result. I know how it is to want to make sure that you do everything right from the beginning, but some things you can easily figure out for yourself. It seems lazy and rude if you expect other people to google it for you.

2. Treat the Community like a Friendly Stranger on the Street
(Or lurk for a bit!)
When joining a new community, if you are too excited to just lurk for a while without posting to figure out the "local way of conversation", for gods sake, be polite! Do not write your post as if you were writing a message to your best friend on Messenger! Write exactly as if you were asking a stranger for directions. This means using "please" and "thank you!", because just like that stranger, these people are taking time out of their day to read and respond to your post. And just like you wouldn't use random japanese phrases or terms of endearment when asking for directions, don't use them here. 

3. What type of community are you joining? Read the rules and description!
Lolita has a ton of different, connected online communities, with very specific purposes. We've got "Daily Lolita Coordinate" communities, where you can show off your coordinates, we've got sales communities for selling different clothing by specific brands, for specific locations and so on. Pay attention to what community you're joining, and what is meant to be posted there! This will keep you from making an irrelevant post that people will respond negatively to. Scroll down the page a bit too, just to get a glimpse of what people tend to post in there.
Also, a local community is very different from a global one, in terms of what will be tolerated. Introduction posts are usually fine on a local Facebook group, but tends to seem selfcentered on EGL, a community with thousands of members who don't know, or want to know, each other personally.

Here's a small list of communities that you can use, and what they specialize in!

EGL
The largest Lolita community. Primarily a place of discussion of new brand releases, aspects of Lolita culture and life, and Lolita related events. Questions can be asked, but keep in mind that your question has probably been asked a billion times before. Check the memories and tags, and google it first!
If you'd much rather join a local community, check out if one exists on Facebook, or check this list for one near you.

The Lolita Community Sales
This community is for buying, selling and trading only!
Buying and selling can also be done in brand-specialized or local communities on Facebook, or in the big Lolita Sales in English group.

Daily Lolita Coordinates/Closet of Frills
Two communites meant for showing off your coordinates, and asking for constructive criticism on your outfits.

Lolita Fashion Mentoring
If you really need to ask a bunch of questions and or is in need of some guidance, then I recommend joining the above community. I still recommend you google your questions first, but the Lolita mentors will gladly help if you're unable to find the answer this way, or need some advice on how to coordinate or are in another Lolita-related pinch. 


That was my tips for joining a Lolita community. Again, this is not criticizm of new Lolitas. I love when people join the Lolita community! I know the joy and excitement that Lolita can give, especially when you first join in and everything is still fresh and new to you! But I've also witnessed these common mistakes being made time and time again each year. 
If you just try and avoid them, however, there's no problem at all, and the community will be more than happy to help out! Even without tearing out any well-styled hairs!

So, there's only one thing left to be said:
Welcome to our community! 

LBC: The Most Challenging Substyles, and How To Pull Them Off

For this week's Lolita Blog Carnival, the topic is to really challenge ourselves and make some really difficult stuff work out in Lolita's favor.
And why go the easy route? I've been working hard on this styleguide for a couple of days, and so I choose YOU:
Sweet Punk Lolita! 

We barely ever see punk Lolita done with sweet elements. It's usually your typical gothy, mainstream-punky substyle of Lolita, but I really like the idea of sweet Lolita being combined with some more kickass elements. Because why do you have to be gloomy to be tough? And this comes from a big admirer of the dark beauty that goth represents, mind you!

So how do I think you can balance sweet with rough'n'tough in a way that won't clash, or seem unbalanced? In my opinion, it's not enough to just throw on a leather jacket and call it a day.
Let me give you a couple of pointers, before I present my idea of a sweet punk outfit to you.

1: Think about what look you're going for!
What image do you want to convey with your outfit? A cute biker? A punk-style magical girl from one of your favorite mangas or comics? Do you wanna go more "torn fishnet" or more "leather", or a combination of the two?

2: Balance your elements!
You want to have an equal amount of punk and cute in your outfit. If you're gonna go for torn fishnet socks, choose some cute dolly shoes. If you wanna wear skull bracelets, try to incorporate some bows too. 

3: Follow the rules!
(or guidelines. Whatever you prefer to call them)
I know, I know, punk wants to be a rebellious style, but if you want to combine it with your Lolita and still be able to call it that, keep the guidelines in mind! This is especially important when you attempt something as experimental as punk Lolita. Punk is all about everything that Lolita is not- The torn, things falling apart at the seams, the rough and being "Ready to Fight for Freedom"! Lolita is pretty much the polar opposite. You can see how combining the two is walking on a thin line, but following the quidelines should help, if you also keep in mind to balance your elements. 
At least keep your ankles covered, keep the full, knee-length skirt, cover your shoulders and wear something on your head, until you're sure you know exactly what you're doing.


So, let me present to you my ideas for how you could put together an outfit..

For my very basic outfit above, I chose a Lolita biker as my style inspiration. I chose this particular JSK because of it's typical pastel elements, but it also has a bright color, the vibrant pink, that I could play up with the jacket. I wanted the jacket to really stand out as a focal point. I chose a pair of elegant fishnet tights and practical boots, but to keep it from straying too far into non-Lolita territory, I seperated the two with a pair of typical kneehigh socks. Also, to balance out the pink with a bit of blue.

Hairband by Babydoll. 

For hair accessories, I'd pick a spiky headband, with some cute pink touches, like the one above, positioned in front of a pair of fluffy, playful twin buns! A playful hairstyle would be important for this hairstyle, in my opinion. You could add a couple of bright pink bows to the buns, too.

From pinterest.

By Nile Perch and Swimmer

To spice up the jacket, I would add a couple of cute pins. Since punk is all about rebelling and standing up for what you believe in, I'd probably pick buttons who supported women's rights or animal rights, but you can also go another route and just choose cute buttons with cupcakes or other sweet things to your liking!

Necklace by Bandai.

To go further into the "Girl Power!" territory, I'd put in some girlpower elements like Magical Girl accessories. I love the magical girl concept, even if I don't watch a lot of animés myself.

They were a great part of my childhood, and I still refer back to these memories when I feel lacking in the confidence department. I chose a relatively simple silver pendant, as I felt it suited the colorscheme of the coordinate the best. I'm debating whether or not it would look good with a pink leather collar too. What do you think? I'd wear multiple bracelets with this coord. A mix of pearls, bows and leather bracelets.

To wrap this up, I want to show you guys a gorgeous leather jacket I found, that I think would look amazing with a vibrant sweet punk Lolita coordinate!

This UNIF jacket, which I found on "Dolls Kill"! I think it's absolutely gorgeous, with just the right amount of crazy pastel madness that has been to typical of Angelic Pretty over the last couple of years. Grab it before OTT goes out of style completely! I know I want to, if the price didn't make my wallet groan in pain.. 

That was it for this week, folks! I hope I inspired some of you guys to explore your more hardcore, girly side.

Want to receive some more advice on hard-to-pull-off Lolita looks? Check out the blogs below!

Breidholt
Lemon Tree
Sparkling Girl

Daily Fuckery
Fire Extinguisher
Sleeping Sweets
Alice in Lolitaland
Hello Batty

Less talking, more doing: My First Handmade Skirt!

New Years often means New Beginning for a lot of people. People make New Years Resolutions where they promise themselves all kinds of stuff- To lose weight, to work harder, to study more... Truth be told, I'm not really a believer when it comes to that kind of stuff. I know from experience that you really need to step it up to put actions behind promises before they matter. It's a lot easier to make promises followed by excuses, than to do anything and make commitments.

Well, I've finally "done"! For years on end I've been promising myself that I'd add another, more serious, hobby to my list and I started this year out by taking the big plunge. I bought a sewing machine, and now I've finished my first project! I didn't just buy the equipment, I actually spent hours on end working hard, and this is the result!

This is it! I've added two little bows to the line of ribbon, too!

I made the most adorable skirt, and I'm terribly proud of myself!
I spent hours on end working on this! Two nights ago, I worked almost non-stop for 12 hours (A lot of time, but hey, I'm a complete beginner!)
It's a little crooked, the ribbon is not entirely straight, and the seams are not as neat as on the dresses I've purchased from professionals, but I still find it to be gorgeous, and I'll wear it with pride.

Wow, are my proportions off on camera! Haha!

I put together a quick coordinate, because I just couldn't wait to try it out! It's a bit on the short side, but I've decided not to care. I think it rocks the short length pretty well!

Moral of the story is not just that I wanted to show off my first handmade piece (even if it's a huge factor, I'll admit).
It's also that instead of making promises to yourself, go out and do something! Do it right now!
Make that purchase. Make a commitment that you cannot run away from. Go to the gym, if that's what you've been planning to do.
Even if you do not see immediate results, they will come. Taking that first tiny step in the right direction is still progress. Allow yourself to be proud of that, because that's what's gonna keep you motivated! My skirt is not first-class handiwork, but with practice, I know I'll get better. That's what taking action will do to you.

If you don't do anything, the promises that you've made to yourself is gonna run right out in the sand, and you'll stay dissapointed in you.

Enough talking. More doing!
GO!

On "Mean" Lolitas

Credit for Original Picture goes to yumi_sanxsushi

"I thought about becoming a lolita, but then I heard that you're all MEAN!"

Sounds familiar? Well, that's not so strange. There has been a lot of talk about how mean we all are, lately. Another phrase that has been used so much that it has become cheesy is that for a bunch of lovely girls, we are very ugly on the inside. 

So, is it true? are we all mean? Are even the majority of us mean?

No, definetely not. And I think that if a person should want to join our community, and then turn away because of the All Lolitas Are Mean-idea, then that person might need to take a deep breath, cool down and then come back to see for herself. Lolitas are people just like all other people, and we are a surprisingly diverse subculture. Some people would say that we are not even a subculture, because they think that the only thing we have in common, is clothes. So, considering that lolitas are a diverse group of people with different personalities, how come that we should all be mean? Well, my answer would be that some people get this idea from secret-communities and a very persistent rumor, concerning the often-referred-to-but-less-often-spotted Elitist Lolita. The Elitist is supposedly a snobbish, mean lolita who only wears brand clothes and looks down upon all new lolitas, lolitas who wear offbrand, and lolitas who are not Perfect. The Elitist is a bit like Bigfoot. People claim that this creature exists, but very few people have actually seen one. This rumor seems to especially thrive in secret communities, which are communities specifically designed to make anonymous confessions. People seem to take advantage of the anonymity to make troll-posts and blatant lies, just to make people mad or hurt someones feelings. 
 So, when people learn about this rumor, I think that many are ready to jump the gun and scream "Elitist!" as soon as they feel that they are being opposed. This tendency is only made worse by new lolitas already being scared of the rumor and of not fitting in.

From what I have seen in the lolita community myself, people tend to be civil, nice and helpful, but! Since lolitas are just people and not all Innocent and Forever Patient Maidens, they can also get a little tired of having new lolitas come into their community very often, which in itself is just nice, but when they all ask the same questions again and again, without taking the time to research their question first, they tend to get a little tired. 
If you are not a new lolita, and still believe the "All Lolitas Are Mean" rumor, maybe you should take a moment to reflect on the issue. Have you ever heard the phrase anywhere other than in Secret Communities or from new lolitas who claim that everybody responded in a mean way to their post? Probably not, but maybe you yourself feel that lolitas tend to be mean to you? Maybe you've just ended up in a bad drama-filled local community, in which case I would say that you should probably just step back and seek the company of more laid-back lolitas online, or encourage your local lolitas to work out their problems! Somebody has to take the first step, right?

If you continuously have bad experiences with other lolitas on the internet, or you are a new lolita  planning to make your first post, let me give you some handy tips!

• Try doing your research before posting a question! Do a google AND a community search and check the archive/memories before posting!

• Try writing your question and/or post in a mature and polite way, but don't overdo it! 1900-century mannerisms can be fun in a sentence or two, but don't use it for your entire post!

• Don't use too many japanese emoticons and the like. Don't use japanese phrases that are not a part of the relevant "Lolita Vocabulary".

• Behave maturely if you receive constructive criticism or if a person tells you to "Stop That!" even if you think that the other person is wrong. No good is gonna come out of starting an argument or slinging insults at each other. It's just gonna make you both look bad. Also, there is a difference between a civil discussion and an argument!

• Don't post stuff that is not lolita related in the slightest, unless the topic in that particular post allows it!

Many of those apply to real life encounters with other lolitas as well! Try your best to behave in a polite and mature manner, and if another lolita does not respond in kind, well, then at least it's not your fault. As I've said before, lolitas are just people with a different aesthetic, so yes, you may meet a mean person in our subculture, but that can happen anywhere! If you meet a person that behaves in a mean or cold way towards you, give that person a second chance and try to be nice. You don't know if the other lolita just had a bad day. Maybe his or her pet died. Simply avoid the other person if she keeps being mean every single time.

If you still want to leave or just not get into lolita because you might risk meeting a person that's not nice to you, or because you have had an unpleasant encounter, then just don't seek the company of other lolitas. Being a lolita is about wearing the clothes for yourself, afterall. You don't need the community to be a lolita.
But you're missing out on a lot of possible friendships if you stay away!

Your First Meet-Up: Joining the Mad Tea Party

With International Lolita Day coming up this saturday, I thought it would be appropriate to write a post on the topic of the Lolita's very first meet-up. After all, this is the perfect time to go to a meet-up for the first time! There are meet-ups happening all around the world on the same date, and even if there isn't one near you, it's the perfect occasion for you to arrange one! (As if we need an occasion other than just being fabulous people..)

The first Meet-up seems to be the dreaded big test for New Lolitas. It is an event of excitement, but also of great nervousness: Will they like me? Will they all laugh at me and whisper about me behind my back? Will they be embarassed to be seen with me if I happen to be "ita"?It is sad that something that should be looked forward to as something exciting and a chance to meet-up with new people with whom we share a huge interest has turned into an event of insecurity, and this insecurity seems to spread like wildfire through the new members of our community! I don't know from where the rumors of horribly elitist and exclusive meet-ups come from (the fairytale-like land of the "Elitist Lolita", mayhaps?), but I am sure meet-ups in most communities will be a pleasant experience if you just keep the following in mind:

Take Initiative

Even though I do believe that it would be appropriate for the other girls to do their best to engage new members of the community in conversation and make them feel like a part of the group, it won't encourage them to do so if you don't seem interested! Introduce yourself, strike up conversations with as many other people as you can, and don't get intimidated. None of the other participants, even the most fabulously dressed ones, are anything more than ordinary people with at least one interest in common with you, which means that you have plenty of things to talk about, and there's no need to feel like you're "not worthy". 
Ask questions! Where did she get her shoes? How long has he been into the fashion?
Taking initiative is actually a good idea on multiple levels. You can also take initiative before the meet-up! Ask if you should bring something, if there is anything you can help the host/hostess with, if you should plan a game, bring cookies or anything else. Being ressourceful like this is usually a source of admiration and will get you on the community's good side instantly. Also, by planning a game or something like that, you're making sure that you're gonna do something that makes it easier for you to bond with the other girls, if you're no good at the "talking to new people" thing. It's an ice-breaker! 
I recommend charades. It keeps being popular in my own community- It's especially fun if you make the main topic "Print Names" or something else that's Lolita-themed.

At the beginning of this post I made a quick note that if there are no meet-ups going on at ILD in your area, 
You could plan one
 Even if it's gonna be your first meet-up, I recommend it if you think you can handle it! Planning a meet-up is really not that difficult. You'll be responsible, yes, but it's not like you're planning a wedding here. You just have to maintain control over the basic stuff. That means keeping the community updated with the meeting time and place, where you'll be going, writing down who'll be attending to make sure you don't forget anyone at the meeting spot, making sure there's room for you at the café/restaurant/wherever (calling the place in advance or making a reservation), and knowing how to get there. 
That's pretty much it, and I'm sure the community will appreciate it. 
You can never have too many meet-ups!

So, what are you waiting for? Dress up and get out there!
Happy International Lolita Day!
(I'm going to a meet-up on saturday too, so keep an eye out for a post with plenty of pictures!)

Body Shaming and Dressing for your Body Type

Trigger Warning!

(This post will contain my personal experiences with unhealthy eating habits and related issues)

I have been through a lot in the weight-department in general, and lately I've been through a small personal crisis that prompted me to write this post. 

I'm a little bit better now, though, as small victories are usually enough to get me to snap out of it.

Since I first got into this fashion there has been a monster hiding under every Lolita's bed. One that frequently sticks out it's ugly head and grins at us from meanspirited secrets, 4Chan and through fights in online communities: Body shaming. The dreaded "Fatty-chan". 

I've heard claims that body shaming is even harsher in the Gyaru community, but that doesn't take away from my observations that I think Lolita is particularly prone to being sensitive to the topic of body weight, probably because you have to be of a certain size to be able to fit into the majority of readily-made Lolita pieces, from blouses to skirts. Even socks! (or else you stretch the print and it looks.. wonky)

As secrets also show, many Lolitas feel a pressure because of this. A pressure to lose weight to be able to fit into the dresses. They feel bad about the way they look, they fear that people will look down upon them for being on the bigger side of the scale.
I know that there are girls who have a tough time because of being underweight too, but from my observations they are generally envied, not shunned because of their weight.

I have felt the pressure of mean, weight-related secrets on my own body, so I know how it feels. 

Of course I am against body shaming of any kind, as I am of the opinon that people should generally mind their own business when it comes to other people's looks, but I find that Lolita is a great motivator when it comes to losing weight!

I myself was overweight and unhappy for many years. Not just unhappy with the way I looked as an overweight person, but also unhappy with how hindered I felt as a side-effect of this. I couldn't run with my classmates in gym classes, I fell behind when biking into town with my friends, and it was hard! Lolitas was part of what finally motivated me to get up from the couch, eat healthy and do something about it! I lost a bunch of weight and was finally happy with myself.
Therefore I give Lolita an A+ as a motivational factor. The thing is- I got overly motivated, I guess you could say. I got so scared of gaining weight again so I wouldn't be able to fit into anything and in general would not look pretty anymore, that I was too scared to eat much more than an apple for breakfast, one slice of dry bread with nothing on top for lunch, and a tiny portion of vegetables for dinner. It was unhealthy, to say the least, and Lolita could do nothing to save me from what I was doing to myself. 

It was only the support from my family that got me out of it again. 

All of this was probably the result of body shaming. My goal became "becoming thin", not "becoming healthy".
Why would I care so much, if not for the gloryfication of thinness and the shaming Lolitas get for being overweight?

Well, what was my point? Oh, yes!

Lolita can look great on anyone. And I do mean anyone. I already knew that before I lost weight- I had no problem being confident about my looks in Lolita before I lost weight. I thought I looked great in Lolita! I just wanted to be able to fit into brand dresses and not just Taobao made-to-fit.

Size doesn't matter, as the key to looking good in Lolita has nothing to do with size at all.

The key is: Dressing for your body type.

Dressing for your body type as in dressing for what YOU think looks good on your body type.

I am not a fan of the “Do I Look Fat In These Jeans" mentality, as it is all about fitting into a certain “mold”, that is the socially accepted idea of “what looks attractive”.

Your idea of the “ideal body type” should be one that makes you feel good.

If you think that a shirt looks good, even if somebody says it makes your nose look fat, wear it!

 It is a lot more important to feel at ease in your own body. If you’re proud of or cool with a part of your body that other people would tell you to hide, don’t worry about it.

Flaunt it, if that makes you feel confident!

If you do, however, like the commonly accepted hourglass-figure ideal, I have a couple of pointers, and this is just my opinions and general observations. Mind you, some of them might not agree with whatever you’ve read in books on this topic.

1.     Puffed sleeves tend to hide wide shoulders.

I know this is actually quite the opposite of the popular dress-up tips, but I am not of a elfish body type myself, and I find that sleeves with puffy shoulders tend to hide this. After all, you can’t really tell how much is puff and how much is body!

2.     Let the “tight” part of the dress stop at the smallest part of your body.

This way, it will accentuate the smallest part of you, be it below your bust, at your waist or wherever else.

3.     Wear tights!

If you have naturally short legs, or your legs tend to stretch printed socks, wear tights. This also helps if your dress is a tad on the short side.

And this last one is completely unrelated and more a result of a discovery of mine...

4.     Wear bonnets.

Always wear bonnets. They look perfect on anybody.

Remember: You could ignore all of the above! 

Wear whatever you love, and what makes you feel good!

Stay safe, treat yourself well, and forget “BtB”secrets.

Your opinion is the one that rules.

Wearing Lolita to Special Occasions

Once in a while I see questions about how appropriate Lolita is for various occasions, popping up. This weekend I'll be attending a grand family party. My brother is turning 18 and by danish standards, that makes him a grown-up. As such, you could say that this birthday will be the second most important birthday in his life, next to his first one! 

As much as I love lolita, and as much as I'd love to be dressed up in the coord that I feel most beautiful and comfortable in for this special occasion, I've decided not to. And here is why.

In my opinion, Lolita is just not appropriate for occasions where the spotlight belongs to other people. Lolita is an attention grabbing fashion, and no matter if you or anybody else wants it to or not, it will no doubt take away attention from the bride, the birthday child, the old couple celebrating their 50 years anniversary, the baby etc. 

What do you think people will be remembering afterwards? You will, believe me, be a topic of discussion for most of the guests in the car on the way home. When they should be discussing how much fun they had, and how amazing it is that the couple lasted that long, how beautiful the bride looked, etc.

You might say "What's the big deal?" and I get that. You and I are used to Lolita, we wear it often, and people should in general care less about what other people are wearing on their body. A wedding or a birthday party is just not the place to force people to practice that skill. You take away from the magic of the occasion, and you're stealing someone elses thunder. 

If you're not a classic lolita with a very, very discrete wardrobe, with plenty of tights and petticoats with pretty much no poof, you should just not wear lolita to occasions that revolve around celebrating someone else. Especially not if you know your family, or the center of attention, dislikes the fashion. In my case, I know my mom will (as discreetly as possible) start drama about my fashion choices. This will annoy me, and apparently, it's bothering her. It's just not worth it on a special day when we're supposed to be having fun, and it ruins the atmosphere for everybody else.

So when IS lolita appropriate? Is it ever?

Absolutely! 

On your special occasions, I say go nuts, no matter what anybody else thinks! Your birthdays, your wedding, your anniversary, you decide! If you've been nice enough to not wear it on other peoples' special days, they shouldn't be allowed to complain at all when you're the one calling the shots. If they do, they're just rude.
Also, you should be allowed to wear it to any "neutral" party. That means regular parties, family gatherings with no special center of attention, and the like. 

Oh, and there is one free-pass that you can get to the advice above, of course! If the center of attention tells you that you should wear Lolita to that special occasion of theirs! Then, do what they tells you! You've got an awesome individual right there, and they deserve seeing you dressed to the nines if they love your fashion choices!

It all really just comes down to being considerate of other peoples' feelings, I guess. That, and not being so "considerate" that you're holding back for no reason and let other people rule you on "your own" days.

Obviously it's your decision in the end and you decide what to do. You know your family and your social circle better than I do. But I really think you should think twice before putting on that huge twin-tail wig and Sugary Carnival JSK to your aunt's wedding- You might ruin her day a little bit, and is that worth "standing up for your right to wear whatever you want" for?

Lolita Blog Carnival: Tips for Staying Warm for Fall

"Brace yourselves... Winter is coming!"

I'm sorry, I couldn't NOT do it.

Fall has long been upon us, but this weeks Lolita Blog Carnival theme lets me dish out some much needed tips for staying warm and comfy throughout the rest of the season. It has been a pretty mild year so far, but I'm always prepared! The weather turns around like mad here, so you never know!

I want to do something besides just dishing out suggestions for how to add layers ("besides" being the keyword!), so I'll be throwing in some suggestions based on my favorite ways for coaching in the comfy fall spirit as well!

Turn up the oven and add some cinnamon!

Baking is a great way to warm up a little bit, both inside and out. For some reason, as soon as we get on the other side of August, I find myself wanting to turn out one pumpkin pie and another loaf of cinnamon bread after another! If I actually made every single batch of cookies that is getting crispy in my imaginary, country-styled kitchen, I would live in a very happy neighborhood!

So, put the insides of that Halloween pumpkin to good use, everyone!

Learn a new (old-timey) skill: Knitting!

I've actually been wanting to try this for a long time, and I do have a pattern or two for some really cute scarves in my Gothic and Lolita bibles, so well.. Why not? Knitting is the new "thrifting" where I'm from, and it would be a great excuse (do you ever need one?) to spend some time with one of the older family members, who seem to be so good at some of the skills that were once common-place. I've heard that it is also a great way of keeping your hands occupied while relaxing in front of the TV- 

So pop in that Kamikaze Girls DVD and prepare for the cold!

Get cultural!

What better way to stay warm than to just stay inside?! 

Just kidding- but with the entirety of summer being all about tea parties in the garden, picnics and amusement parks outdoors, fall is the perfect season for museum- or castle visits! Tourist season has passed, which should give plenty of petticoat space, and afterwards a castle would be the perfect setting for a couple of outfit photos, complete with fall-colored leaves in the background.

And last but not least, your outfit photos should of course not be of you shivering in your kneesocks and JSK. Some people complain that fall and winter means hiding your coordinate underneath a big coat that'll look the same at every meet-up, but remember: Fall also brings along the opportunity for experimentation! You're able to try to many different combinations in a variety of layers without becoming a sweaty mess! With the (not as) recent rise in popularity of the substyle 'mori girl', I think it would be very appropriate to take some inspiration from there. How about going for a dolly kind of look? But not the usual one- A doll owned by a little girl who grew up in the woods. Lots of raggedy layers in a variety of materials, long scarves, a combination of thick wooly socks and tights and a warm knitted beanie? Combined with the poofy skirts and elegance of our beloved fashion!
I have little knowledge of mori-girl, but I should think the limits are imaginary!

Now, you should be dressed and equipped to face the Fall! So make a pie, put on your best knitted scarf and join your girls and guy-friends for a nice trip to your local gallery!

Or would you rather stay inside with a nice cup of tea and a good read?
Check out the ones below!

Daily Fuckery
Ramble Rori

Oh Velveteena

Why my local community is a blessing

Original picture from google

When I first started out in lolita, I was a young and naive, socially awkward girl who had a very difficult time making new friends- Frankly, I didn't want to make friends with "mainstreamers". But I was lonely in my special snowflake bubble, and like most naive, awkward girls who suddenly find themselves as part of a subculture that gives them the opportunity of starting a-new, getting to know new people and meeting up with other people that they are totally certain will be little copies of their own awkward self, I had no doubt that my first meet-up would be a gathering of princesses with whom I would get along with immediately (From what I've seen on the internet, new lolitas tend to be especially prone to these expectations). We would be best friends forever, go out shopping, gushing about new prints together, eating french pastries and giggling and looking picture perfect, and life would be beautiful.

I'm sure you see where this is going- My little fantasy was crushed, and I found myself sitting alone in a corner. I found it difficult to take part in conversations, as everybody else already knew each other, because of course people naturally tend to talk to their friends when they meet up! There is nothing strange about that.
I see that now. 

But back then, I was sorely dissapointed. My first meet-up was not the magical, instant-friend-making-party that I had hoped for. It was a lonely, depressing experience, and not a memory I look back on with anything but an awkward, grey-clouded pull at the corner of my mouth. 

I'm sure the title makes less and less sense, but don't worry- it get's better.

For some reason, and I can't explain it as anything but the loneliness of being a strangely dressed teen, that first meet-up did not turn out to be my last. I kept coming back, even though the next couple of meet-ups turned out to be perfect mirror images of the first one. But I kept going- I pretended to have fun, I made happy comments on the meet-up pictures that were shared with the internet community afterwards, and I kept telling myself to have fun.  Of course I was gonna be part of this community, even if those people didn't exactly open the door for me or tried to pull me inside. I insisted on having fun, no matter what! And one reason I really, really wanted to elbow my way in was this: Those girls were so amazingly sweet, fun and talented! I had nothing but admiration to offer. I never held it against them that I had a tough time getting "in there".

And you know what? I finally did. I got in.

 And that was a very important lesson to me, that I think is important to share with other lolitas who want to become part of their local community; Or any close knit group of people, for that matter.

It is not easy. From my experience, groups of people that have stuck around each other for a long time get into certain habits; They get comfortable with each other. They know exactly what needs to be said, what to talk about, how to joke and laugh with each other. Everybody has their place- like the instruments in a band, and the music plays in perfect harmony! But what happens if you suddenly add another instrument?

It takes time and effort for everybody to adjust. People aren't mean- it might feel like they aren't making an effort to include you, but they just have to get used to you- and suddenly, if you keep coming back, keep trying to strike up conversations, you'll become a natural part of the picture. 

They will find room for a xylophone in their musical band. At first your instrument will get a couple of notes- slowly, you'll get more and more space. You'll be included in conversations, they'll learn how and when to joke around you.

Don't give up before they even get the chance to notice you! The least you can do is offer them time, and show that you really want to have a good time!

Now I look forward to every meet-up. I get to know the girls better and better. Every time I get to know yet another person even better! There are such a huge variety of different people in even a small community, and every single one is sweet, funny and incredibly kind and patient, in their own way. Even though I've moved to the other end of the country, they keep inviting me back. Not just for meet-ups, but for parties and gatherings outside of lolita as well.

One of the most important things lolita has told me, is how to be social. How to get to know new people, and what to expect when trying to become part of something. 

So, moral of this?
Give your local community a chance. And another one. And another one. Slowly but surely, you might be digging closer to a real treasure.

Oh, and I can't wait for Friday! Housewarming with my lolita pals and more. Yes, please!

Lolita Secret Santa

December is seriously my favorite month of the year. I love the warm atmosphere, the annual baking of christmas cookies together with my family, picking out a christmas tree, decorating it all together and watching the 24 episode christmas series in tv every night until christmas eve. What I also love is the annual Secret Santa tradition that my local Lolita community has made! Actually, I have yet to be able to participate. This year I can't because I'm in the US and won't return to Denmark until mid-December! But I've been looking around and doing a lot of thinking so that I'm well prepared for next years fun! This is my list for all of you Lolita Secret Santas out there, or those of you who want to shower your Lolita friend or significant other with little surprises throughout December! I tried to include something for everybody. Happy holidays!

1. Chocomint hairclips or rings are perfect for the OTT Sweet Lolita or those who just love a little sugar in their lives! Chocomint accessories are relatively inexpensive even though they're fancy and popular (Most is below $10.) 

Similar accessories can be found in this shop!

2. Cute soaps are a lovely little piece of luxury! They can be found in all kinds of shapes. My favorites are ones that look like cookies or biscuits. These days I am in love with the ones from Mrs. Brown's Bath Bakery.

3. Most everybody has a cell phone these days, so finding a cell phone charm that fits your Lolita friend's style should be easy. A dessert-shaped charm for a sweet Lolita, an elegant silver cross for your gothic Lolita friend, or one that looks like a victorian tea cup for a classic Lolita!

4. Deco'ing (is that a verb?) is very popular these days, so how about surprising your friend with a creative gift of decoden supplies? Decoden is not just an excuse for the sweet Lolita to cover everything in fake whipped cream (as much as we love that!)

 You can find Gothic and Classic Lolita chique decoden too, with ornaments like elegant roses and rhinestones!

5. It is no secret that Lolitas take time getting ready, and a pocket-sized mirror is essential for touching up make-up when you're out and about! If your friend doesn't already have a fancy mirror, it would be a very thoughtful gift!

5. Antique tea cups or picture frames are charming, inexpensive gifts! In general, going antiquing for a Secret Santa present could be a good idea, especially if your friend is a Classic Lolita with a love for the victorian and romantic. Your friend will get something unique and at the same time know that you put effort into finding something just for them! 

6. If your friend is not allergic to them, scented candles are very charming! You can find them in all kinds of creative scents, from sweet cupcakes to flowers. 

7. You knew this was coming: Home-baked goodies! Anything from cookies or macarons to a caramel apple would probably make your friend very happy if he or she has a sweet tooth. You can wrap it all up in a way that suits your friends style, with a cute and secretive note, or cut the cookies out in cute or spooky shapes!

In general, things that you've made yourself, be it jewelry, a headbow, a short-story or some kind of artwork, are always extra special! I warmly recommend sharing your talent with other people in this way, if you are in any way creatively inclined!

I hope that my list above inspired you to get out there and spread some happiness and holiday spirit! Good luck staying "Secret" until Christmas Day!
and
Merry Early Christmas!

Original Picture is by Baby the Stars Shine Bright